You're more than a "birth mom"

I hate the term “birth mom”. I feel that it does not truly represent who these women are. It sounds as if all they did was give birth. Which, I don’t know from experience, but I understand is not an easy thing. However, their impact on/in the child’s life did not start nor does it stop at the birth. And that is true in the reverse as well. It is not an easy decision to place a child for adoption. There are a plethora of emotions that go on throughout the pregnancy, during labor and delivery, after the birth, and throughout the rest of their lives that they are choosing to cope with selflessly so that their baby can have a life that they may not be able to provide for them at the time.

The strength of these women is uncanny. It is admirable. And it is gratifying to me to know that my girls came from these women and they too may possess this type of unrelenting strength.

The nature versus nurture debate has been going on forever. However, there still is no clear winner as to which side is more strongly reflected in a child.

I saw an interesting documentary a little while ago on this subject called, Three Identical Strangers. In this documentary, a set of triplets was placed for adoption and all were adopted into different families. They ended up miraculously running into one another and figuring out that they were triplets! Besides the physical similarities, it was interesting to see that they also had many of the same mannerisms and interests. However, there were also several differences between who they each were and their lives turned out drastically dissimilar. So obviously both factors, nature and nurture, play a part in influencing a child’s behavior and the adopted child will see the similarities to their birth mother as well as to their adopted mom. And they will feel a connection to both.

This being said, I call their “birth moms” their “nature moms”.

My daughters were not only birthed by these women.

They are part of them.

Of course they have some of their physical attributes. My toddler most definitely has her birth mother’s nose and her contagious smile and even though my baby is only two weeks old, she already looks like the spitting image of her birth mother.

They also share family medical history. I feel blessed that our adoptions are open and that when things that I cannot answer come up I have them to ask. For example, at my oldest daughter’s two-year doctor appointment and they told me that she was estimated to be 5″10″ tall. I know her birth parents’ heights and they are not super tall so I asked them about this estimate. Turns out that they both have siblings that are well over six foot tall.

Even similar personality characteristics are starting to show in my toddler. Her nature mom is naturally optimistic and spreads joy to all those around her and my two-year-old has yet to meet a stranger that she hasn’t won over with her innately charismatic nature.

I am their “nurture mom”.

“Not flesh of my flesh Nor bone of my bone,

But still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute,

You didn’t grow under my heart

But in it.”

-Unknown Author

Although my girls both have lighter hair and blue eyes (I have dark brown eyes and hair), when I look at my them I see myself. I see me in their actions and how they mimic what I do. I see me when my parenting style is reflected back at me through how my daughter plays with her dolls. And I myself in what likes (bacon, popcorn, dance), what she dislikes (things out of order/messy), her fears, and her desires.

Dear Nature Mom,

She has your eyes. I will teach her how to view the world with them.

She has your ears. I will pump them full of knowledge.

She has your mouth. I will feed it so she can grow big and strong.

She has your nose. I will teach her how to “smell the roses”.

She has your voice. I will listen to all of her thoughts and ideas.

She has your body. I will show her how to love it.

She has your brain. I will help her find it’s passion.

She has your heart…

And she has mine too.

<3 Nurture Mom

Last weekend we met with our baby’s nature family.

Our youngest daughter is a fully open adoption. This means that we not only send her nature mom and dad pictures and letters but we also meet in person four times a year. Although COVID restrictions loosened a little bit and the hospital did allow a few of her family members to come in and meet our daughter after her birth, not everyone in her family was able to come. So she asked us if we would be comfortable with her extended family coming to the first meeting. We met at a park over the weekend. When we first arrived it was just our agent, nature mom, her mom, dad and one of her siblings. Shortly after, however, the rest of her siblings, her aunts, grandparents, cousins and God parents were there as well. You would think that this would be a little awkward or uneasy, but it wasn’t. It was actually the opposite. It was as if we were were meeting with our own extended family. But, the reality of it is though, we were. They are now our family as well and we are so lucky. There are never too many people in the world to love a child.