Respectful Adoption Language

No matter what role you play in an adoption situation, it is important to use respectful adoption language when discussing adoption. If you are new to adoption, you may not yet know what words or terms to use when referring to people or events involved within the adoption process. The purpose of this article is to help you navigate those conversations using adoption terminology that is respectful to all parties involved.

Before entering the world of adoption myself, I did not understand that there was specific terminology to use when talking about adoption. Through the education we received through our agency, as well as through adoption Facebook groups, I began to learn and practice appropriate adoption language.

Now, as an open adoptive parent, I not only use respectful adoption language, but I also teach it. It is highly important to me that our children and ALL the people involved in our children’s lives are treated and acknowledged with respect and love.

So let’s talk first about the most common adoption faux pas:

placed for adoption vs. given up for adoption

This was the first, common terminology mistake that our agency made us aware of. It is never appropriate to say that a child “was given up for adoption” or a mother “gave their child up for adoption”. The child/children was/were PLACED for adoption.

is adopted vs. was adopted

Never label a child. IS adopted puts a label on a child. WAS adopted implies that an event of adoption occurred.

Now let’s talk about what to call everyone involved in the adoption triad:

The adoption triad consists of the:

adoptee
adoptive mother/father
biological mother/father

When referring to these people, as someone outside of the triad, appropriate terminology consists of:

adoptee: their name
adoptive mother: name, adoptive mother (mom), mother, mom, parent
adoptive father: name, adoptive father (dad), father, dad, parent
biological mother: name, biological mother (mom), birth mother (mom), first mother (mom), mother, mom
biological father: name, biological father (dad), birth father (dad), father, dad

You’re More Than A “Birth” Mom

What Do I Call My Birth Mother?

Quick recap:

Respectful Adoption Language:

Birth mother (mom)
Biological mother (mom)
First mother (mom)
Birth father (dad)
Biological father (dad)
Adoptive mother (mom)
Adoptive father (dad)
Mother (mom) *for either biological/adoptive
Father (dad) *for either biological/adoptive
Parent(s) *those with LEGAL custody of the child
Placed for adoption
WAS adopted *adoption is an event not a label

Disrespectful Adoption Language:

Real mom: both mothers (biological and adoptive are both REAL mothers)
Given up for adoption
IS/ARE/AM adopted *avoid labeling a child

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I hope that this article provided you some insight into the adoption world and how to navigate conversations about adoption. No matter what your role in an adoptive relationship, it is important that you use respectful adoption language. In the end, the most important thing to remember is– the meaning of adoption is love.

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