You’ll Always Be My Baby

My two-year-old doesn’t know her first name.

I don’t mean that she doesn’t recognize that she is being addressed when we say her name (Madison)- she does. It’s just that if you were to ask her what her name is, she will say, “I baby”. It’s partly our fault too. “Baby” is our term of endearment for her. However, now that we are adopting again and she is going to have a little sister, we have been trying to get her to embrace the idea that she is “a big girl” now.

It’s not going so well…

Every time we ask her if she is a big girl she says, “No, I baby!”

We are also working on potty training and want her to see diapers as “babyish” (babyish being a “bad” thing). So it had started to frustrate me that she wouldn’t latch onto the concept that she isn’t a baby anymore.

Until the night we left for the hospital…

Our birth mother was induced on Sunday night at 10pm. The COVID regulations at the hospital recently loosened up and we (my husband and I) were given a room at the start of induction. This meant that we had to leave our daughter with her Mamaw and Papaw for an undetermined number of days starting Sunday evening…

We had a plan. We were going to have a fun and busy last day as a family of three. No nap days usually lead to an early bedtime so we hoped that she would get so tired that we could get her to fall asleep before we left Mamaw’s house. However, Mamaw has all the best toys at her house so sleep was not going to happen!

A little after 9PM we had to leave. I changed her into her pajamas, got her some milk and her bed was ready. It was time to say goodbye. She was so confused… She jumped into my arms and kept repeating, “Car. Home. Bedtime.”. I explained to her what was happening again, but she wanted no part of trying to understand. She just wanted her usual routine.

It took everything in my being to put her down and allow her Mamaw to distract her as we walked out of the house and away from our little girl.

That’s when it hit me…

She isn’t going to the baby anymore. The center of my universe is going to have to share the spotlight from now on.

I burst out in tears in the car on the way to the hospital. Half because of the excitement of a second baby and a little sister for Madi and half because the “Madi and Mom Only” group is accepting a new member and I am the only one that truly understands that right now.

So as I sit here in the hospital, (at 12pm Monday 9/28/20 with the birth mom 6cm dilated and 90% effaced) I wanted to make sure that I documented my thoughts for my oldest daughter. Hopefully, in a couple years, she can read them and understand…

Dear Madi,

Soon we will no longer be,

A family of three.

You won’t love it right away,

There will be some jealousy,

But one thing I have learned,

There are pieces to your heart,

And when you share them with another,

They fuse together, not apart.

I never knew how much I’d love you,

Until I saw your sweet face,

Now that place in my heart is yours,

No other can replace.

I have a new spot for your sister,

It’s growing right there next to yours,

Your heart can do it too,

Crazy how much love it stores.

Your love for her will grow,

Just wait till you two can play,

I just have a feeling,

You’ll be inseparable someday.

But right now, while she is little,

She may just need me more,

But she will need you too,

That’s what big sisters are for.

She’ll need you to give her kisses,

When she falls and skins her knee,

And to go get her a bottle,

When she is getting hungry.

She’ll need you to teach her things,

Like how to walk, and run and play,

All the words to Baby Shark,

And how to get her way.

You will have a lot to do,

Big Sister is a responsibility.

But know that in my eyes and heart,

You will always be my baby.

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