How to be Vulnerable | Why be Vulnerable?
There is a lot of confusion around vulnerability. Vulnerability is usually looked as a weakness. That is because society tends to think that in order to be vulnerable you must expose your whole self. However, spewing your guts about everything you are and every thought that you have is not how to be vulnerable. So what is vulnerability? How can you be vulnerable? Why should you be vulnerable?
I was inspired to write this post after a trip to the zoo yesterday with my toddler and baby. My toddler, by nature, is the absolute sweetest soul. She is incredibly outgoing and friendly to everyone she meets. She knows what strangers are, however, she has yet to meet one.
Anyway, at one point as we were walking through the zoo, there was a little girl about 10 years old walking towards us from the opposite direction. As we were about to pass each other, my toddler starts to wave to her saying “hi” repeatedly. The little girl did not even look her direction to acknowledge her as she continued to walk past us. After she passed by, my toddler dropped her hand and her head. Her lip pouted out and her shoulders slumped because she was disappointed that she could not make a connection with the girl.
I realized at this moment that my daughter was disappointed because she had opened herself up to be kind to another person but was rejected. She allowed herself to be vulnerable and was hurt when it wasn’t received as expected.
What is vulnerability?
As I defined in my article, Normalizing Vulnerability, vulnerability is the state in which one is at risk of potentially being attacked either physically or emotionally. You know that feeling that you get when you step out of your comfort zone? THAT is vulnerability.
When my daughter tried to say hello to the little girl at the zoo she had exposed herself to the possibility of either being greeted back or being rejected/ignored/dismissed. She happened to be the latter in this situation. She was “attacked” emotionally. She was hurt.
Why be vulnerable?
Vulnerability is exposing oneself to the possibility of being attacked or hurt. Being hurt or attacked are not things that we normally strive to be, so why be vulnerable? Why would we want to open up and be vulnerable when there is so much risk involved? There are two main reasons why we actually benefit from vulnerability:
- Personal growth– If you would like to read more about this, I talk about this benefit in my article, Normalizing Vulnerability.
- Kindness (giving and receiving)
The other possible result to vulnerability is to achieve your initial intention of being vulnerable in the first place. We try to be vulnerable when we:
- Are trying to relate to someone else (personal connection, both giving and receiving kindness).
- Make someone else happy (giving kindness).
- Display empathy to others (giving/showing kindness).
- Process our own feelings/thoughts (personal growth, receiving kindness).
How kind are you?
You can answer this by asking yourself, how often are you vulnerable? How often do you get that feeling in the pit of your stomach because you exposed part of yourself? How often do you get out of your comfort zone?
Related Post:
How to be more vulnerable:
Vulnerability is usually met with good intentions. Have you ever heard someone say, “But she had good intentions…”? This statement is usually the result of someone being vulnerable yet it wasn’t received well. To be vulnerable you need to:
- Have an intention.
- Expose part of yourself emotionally/physically in attempt to connect with someone else to pursue your intention.
Examples of vulnerability:
Intention: Make someone smile.
Exposure: Smile or wave at them.
Result: They smile back or they ignore you and you are left with a weird smile on your face.
Intention: Connection/relate to someone
Exposure: Share a story from your life similar to what they are currently experiencing. (i.e. This blog is full of stories from my life experiences directed towards connecting with others currently experiencing similar things.)
Result: People relate to your experience and trust you to help them through their own struggle. However, you might also offend others by having an opinion different from their own. (i.e. negative feedback)
Intention: Kindness
Exposure: Pay for someone’s meal.
Result: They are grateful and thank you. However, they may also be offended thinking that you don’t think that they can pay for themselves.
Vulnerability takes courage. You must be willing to risk the potential negative outcome and the feeling of over exposure.
To be vulnerable you must:
- Access your intention.
- Assess the risk.
- Decide whether the intention is worth the risk.
Like I said, the benefits of being vulnerable are usually personal growth and kindness. With personal growth vulnerability you are usually with people that are either:
- Professionals (i.e. therapists)
- Peers (i.e. support groups)
Using vulnerability intended for kindness is usually more risky. This is because it is used without knowledge of the receiving parties’ opinions/experiences/situation.
How to be more kind to people through vulnerability:
I want you to think about the people that you feel more inclined to be kind to…
For example, do you watch American Idol?
During the audition episodes, which contestant do you choose to be a fan of and want to win the show? Is it the person with the most talent or is it someone that is maybe pretty talented but also has an amazing story. Maybe this person had a rough childhood. Or maybe they went through something that you also went through (i.e. struggled with infertility, adopted a child, struggled with their weight or their self confidence, got physically/emotionally/physiologically injured, etc…).
It’s the latter isn’t it?
Why do you think that you want this person to win and not the person that is actually the most talented?
It’s because you CONNECTED to that person BECAUSE they exposed their VULNERABILITY.
Once you realize that every person has a story. Once you realize that every person has vulnerabilities. That is when you are able to be more kind to people. People are good at hiding their vulnerabilities. As I said, vulnerability is seen as a weakness and something to be hidden or covered. You will see people try to mask these things with:
- Clothes
- Money
- Things
- Judgment (i.e. bullying)
- Sarcasm
- Jokes
- Shyness
- Coldness ( shut off from the world)
However, all these things are just protective mechanisms. And it’s okay if others aren’t ready to be vulnerable with their story. But, that doesn’t mean that they don’t have one…
So…
Give that compliment.
Open that door.
Share that inspiring quote on social media.
Tell that story.
Share your experience.
Pay for that meal.
Flash that smile.
Wave that hand.
You never know how much that can impact and change someone’s day even if you don’t get the result you intended at that time from that person.
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Angelika
Your daughter is a sweetie! This is so true. Many people try to be vulnerable on social media and trolls jump all over them and it causes a shutdown. It makes some people tougher and others give up because of mean words. It’s a great analogy!